Heartbreak

Everything seemed to be so perfect this month, there is no reason why this shouldn't have worked. This is the post I have been dreading. This wasn't our month either and I'm not pregnant. I was about 99% sure of this yesterday, but it has been confirmed this morning. Today is the day that a pregnancy test would show a positive result but it is stark white with one line, a sight I've grown far too used to. My BBT is also dropping which is a sure sign.

This is tearing me apart piece by piece and as my husband said last night I'm "melting away." I don't know why God won't give us a child right now, but I've decided I have to stop trying to understand. This is all that's consumed me for a very long time. I have to get me back. I have to figure out how to get me back. I have to find the wife, sister, daughter and friend that I once was. I have to live my life.

Today, I am okay. Not wonderful, but not as bad off as I had originally expected. I did most of my sulking and moping around yesterday. My mom came over yesterday morning to be with me. She hugged me, cried with me and laid in bed with me all morning. It was just the thing I needed, someone to endure the pain with me for once instead of trying to sugar coat it. She gets "mom of the year" award by far. I wouldn't have made it out of bed yesterday without her.

So what now? We go to straight injectables. We skip the Clomid altogether and I do many more shots starting at day 3 until my follicles are mature. Increasing the number of follicles my ovaries develop will obviously increase our number of targets thus increasing our overall chance for pregnancy. Yes, also increasing our chance for multiples. However, the chance that every egg will fertilize and implant is not good.  I know several people who have had up to 4 follicles and only ended up with one baby. This is just a chance we are going to have to take and if God so chooses to bless us with more than one, that's something I will gladly accept. I don't believe He will give us anything we cannot handle. Selective reduction is not an option for us. I feel very strongly against any kind of embryo reduction or abortion. I always have and my mind cannot be changed. I should add that if too many follicles develop and we are uncomfortable at any time, or the risk for high order multiples is too high, we can choose to cancel the cycle. Sometimes the doctor will take it upon himself to cancel if he feels the risk is too high. Bottom line is, we have some very important decisions coming up, and we're going to need continued support and prayers to make it through all of this.