Hanging in the Balance

As I was sitting here reading through my own blog, I realized that throughout this experience, I haven't really elaborated much on what infertility feels like emotionally. The reason for this is because I have gained the ability to separate myself from these emotions deep within. I'm able to talk about it almost like I'm telling it from someone else's perspective. I've had to learn to do that because had I not, I would lack the ability to hold back the tears every time someone asked me how it was going or how I was doing. With this cycle, the emotions have been ripped from their safe little box in the back of my mind and are now front and center consuming my every thought. I feel it might help me to express these suppressed feelings.

Every time I sign onto Facebook I am bombarded with pictures and status updates of or about pregnancies and children. Everywhere I go and anything I do I'm faced with the reality of what I don't have. I have a great support team, but I can't help but feel so alone. Our house is so empty. I long for the day that I have a messy house filled with toys and the laughter of a child. I look forward to the sleepless nights because they will be filled with the privilege of caring for my tiny miracle. The joy that only a precious child can bring is something that feels so unattainable. If only I could have the bliss of being called Mommy. I love my husband and my furbabies very deeply but I still feel incomplete. There is an awful ache of emptiness in my heart that only a child can fill.

Right now, I'm absolutely petrified that this procedure didn't work. Everyone always tells me to think positive and hang in there, but it's impossible. When everything you've ever wanted is hanging in the balance, you can't always be positive. The fact of the matter is, there is a good chance it won't work and I have to accept that reality. People tell me not to think about it, but that's impossible too. When everything you've ever wanted is hanging in the balance, you can't just not think about it. Especially when there are pregnant women and babies in every corner. Tell me how does anyone expect me to not think about it? People are quick to offer the well meaning but ridiculous advice of "try to relax." Guess what? That's just as impossible. When everything you've ever wanted is hanging in the balance, you can't just relax. And the hardest one of all is "just trust God." This is where I've been struggling lately. I know that God has a bigger plan for my life than I could ever imagine, and my human eyes are incapable of comprehending the bigger picture. That being said, I have a hard time understanding why God will allow child molesters, drug addicts or those who have had multiple abortions to continue to conceive so easily. Yes, I do know that God has a bigger plan and I know that all of those children and people are a part of it. What I fail to understand is why I can't get pregnant. I don't understand how some people are able to have 19 children, but I'm not even blessed with one. It seems like it would be so simple for God to toss one my way. Sometimes I just want to yell "HEY GOD, DID YOU FORGET US?" Sometimes I do feel abandoned. I've been through the guilt, "what did I do to deserve this?" I've been through it all. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are things I deal with on a daily basis. If you don't recognize those, they are the five stages of grief and I navigate through them each and everyday. I have good days and I have bad days. As for today, I'm terrified, terrified that this isn't going to work. Amazingly, every time I begin to doubt I hear God's almighty voice subtlety telling me "Just trust Me Courtnee, have faith." And so I do, I continue to have faith and trust that God will bless us in His way and in His perfect time. That doesn't mean it's easy, waiting never is but I know my God and I know that He loves me.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 
--Jeremiah 29:11

When I find myself in this dark place, I have to hang onto this verse. Please continue to pray for us, now more than ever.