Time for Trigger

This morning I went for my CD11 ultrasound and blood work. My E2 (estradiol) levels came back at a 403. My follicles were as follows: 16, 15, 10, 8, 7 and 5. Anything 10 or under means nothing so we're looking at two mature follicles. My RE prefers the follicles to be 16-20mm on injections so we're hovering right on the borderline. When I voiced my concern that they seem too small to me, I was assured that their primary goal was to have the follicles as close to 18mm on the day of IUI as possible. My IUI is scheduled for Friday so based on the average growth rate of follicles they should be about 18mm by then.

Tonight, Hubby will have to give me the hCG injection to trigger ovulation in 36 hours. The hCG also causes the final maturation of my eggs. This intramuscular injection consists of a 1.5" needle going right into my hip. YOWZERS! Since hCG is the pregnancy hormone that hpts pick up, this injection will cause me to have a false positive pregnancy test result for approximately 12 days.

Big Giant Pin Cushion

That's what I feel like, just a big giant pin cushion. I've had lots of blood work and done seven nights of injections. I have one more injection tonight before going back tomorrow for another follicle scan and more blood work. PLEASE let my follicles be mature!

These shots make me miserable which I know will be totally worth it if they do work. But that's not a sure thing so right now I'm going with miserable. I have giant red welts at the injection site. I've been so moody and emotional. I've been having migraines and hot flashes. I guess this all makes sense considering I'm injecting hormones that are derived from a menopausal woman's pee into myself. Yes, that's right, pee. I love paying thousands of dollars for piss to shoot up with.

My stress level is through the roof. I have about five million things to do in the next couple of months and no time to do any of them. Of course, everyone chooses the time that I need to be relaxing to bombard me with a zillion responsibilities. But I don't have any children or a job right, so that means I have plenty of free time. WRONG! I'm on a very strict injection schedule and have tons of doctor's appointments. I'm just going to have to be selfish and people are just going to have to deal. When I'm not busy shooting up or driving an hour to the doctor's office, chances are I'd rather sleep, clean my house, spend time with my family or try to take the insane advice of relaxing. See, told you I'm cranky!

The pregnancy announcements keep rolling in. This is so hard... When's it going to be my turn? I'm quite certain that I'm the only person left on the planet who isn't pregnant, already a mom or both. I'm shooting up every night and in the meantime everyday I'm averaging two hundred ninety-eight new pregnancy announcements from friends who "have no idea how this even happened." I'm so glad everyone else can accidentally get pregnant and that they all feel the need to flaunt their accidental pregnancy for me. Next time just go ahead and slap me in the face. It'd be less painful.

Quick Update

I went back to the RE this morning. Everything looks great at this point. My follicles are developing ideally and I have one 10mm, one 8mm, two 7mms and a bunch of follicles under 6 mms. None of this really means much at this point. Most of those follicles will stop developing and by the end of the week I will have only a few dominant follicles ready for trigger and ovulation. I'm hoping for three or four mature follicles in time for my IUI but with only one good ovary I'm expecting more like two. They've upped my dose to 150ius tonight, 75ius tomorrow night, 150ius Monday night and 75ius again on Tuesday.

Round 5,368

Well here we go again, round 5,368... at least it seems like it. Anyway, this morning I went for my CD 3 baseline appointment and everything was just hunky dory. I'll begin my Repronex injections this evening. Saturday morning I return for an ultrasound and blood work to check my progress. Until then...

Before the Morning

These songs really help me put things into perspective.

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/j/josh-wilson-lyrics/before-the-morning-lyrics.html .]
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning




Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

For When I Am Weak, Then I Am Strong

Something just occurred to me and I'm feeling compelled to share it. I was thinking about what I wrote in a previous post, that "God wouldn't give us more than we could handle." I've had a few days to really think about that and I disagree. I think that is just one of those things we're told in life to make it seem easier, to comfort us. In fact, I think nothing is further from the truth. I think God is continuously giving me things I can't handle. He's allowing me to go through these hardships time and time again to draw me closer to Him and mold me into the person I am supposed to be. I can think of so many times in the recent months that I've thought I would never make it through a certain situation. Each and every time that situation has come to be and miraculously, here I am. Here I am! I'm learning that only with God can I make it through those situations that I cannot handle. That doesn't mean it's easy, not the least bit, but I'm going to make it through this. This procedure failing was one of those things I said I could never handle. But here I am, I'm handling it, the key is I'm not handling it alone. We tend to think God is only with us in our lives when everything is going great. When things don't look so good we immediately feel abandoned. I think from my previous post you see it's an obvious struggle of mine. What I see now is that God hasn't abandoned me, He is just busy working out a bigger, better plan for my life that I'm completely oblivious to. There are still many things I can't make sense of but the good news is that I don't have to. That isn't my job and I have been naive in trying to take it on. Right now, right after this failure, I feel stronger than I have in a long time. Maybe ever. That in itself is a miracle.

Heartbreak

Everything seemed to be so perfect this month, there is no reason why this shouldn't have worked. This is the post I have been dreading. This wasn't our month either and I'm not pregnant. I was about 99% sure of this yesterday, but it has been confirmed this morning. Today is the day that a pregnancy test would show a positive result but it is stark white with one line, a sight I've grown far too used to. My BBT is also dropping which is a sure sign.

This is tearing me apart piece by piece and as my husband said last night I'm "melting away." I don't know why God won't give us a child right now, but I've decided I have to stop trying to understand. This is all that's consumed me for a very long time. I have to get me back. I have to figure out how to get me back. I have to find the wife, sister, daughter and friend that I once was. I have to live my life.

Today, I am okay. Not wonderful, but not as bad off as I had originally expected. I did most of my sulking and moping around yesterday. My mom came over yesterday morning to be with me. She hugged me, cried with me and laid in bed with me all morning. It was just the thing I needed, someone to endure the pain with me for once instead of trying to sugar coat it. She gets "mom of the year" award by far. I wouldn't have made it out of bed yesterday without her.

So what now? We go to straight injectables. We skip the Clomid altogether and I do many more shots starting at day 3 until my follicles are mature. Increasing the number of follicles my ovaries develop will obviously increase our number of targets thus increasing our overall chance for pregnancy. Yes, also increasing our chance for multiples. However, the chance that every egg will fertilize and implant is not good.  I know several people who have had up to 4 follicles and only ended up with one baby. This is just a chance we are going to have to take and if God so chooses to bless us with more than one, that's something I will gladly accept. I don't believe He will give us anything we cannot handle. Selective reduction is not an option for us. I feel very strongly against any kind of embryo reduction or abortion. I always have and my mind cannot be changed. I should add that if too many follicles develop and we are uncomfortable at any time, or the risk for high order multiples is too high, we can choose to cancel the cycle. Sometimes the doctor will take it upon himself to cancel if he feels the risk is too high. Bottom line is, we have some very important decisions coming up, and we're going to need continued support and prayers to make it through all of this.

Lord, Move or Move Me

I can't find the words to pray
I'm a little down today
Can you help me?
Can you hold me?
I feel like a million miles away
And I don't know what to say
Can you hear me anyway?
What I need is for you to reach out your hand
You have taught me
No matter what you'd understand

CHORUS:

Lord move in a way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.


I've look every where to find
A simple peace of mind
I can't find nothing on my own
So I got to leave myself behind
Take up this cross of mine
Give away everything I hold onto

Lord I know the only way is through this
Lord I know I need you to help me do this

CHORUS

Lord move in a way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move), or move me.

Out of this place of complacency
To a place of fellowship with thee
Cause I am weak but Lord you are so strong
And you know it's been way too long (been way too long)

Lord move in the way, that I've never seen before
Cause there's a mountain in the way and I'll knock on the door
I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore
So Lord move (move)...

Progesterone

I forgot to post last Friday that my progesterone results were an 18.60. That is a good level so I didn't have to do anything further.

Hanging in the Balance

As I was sitting here reading through my own blog, I realized that throughout this experience, I haven't really elaborated much on what infertility feels like emotionally. The reason for this is because I have gained the ability to separate myself from these emotions deep within. I'm able to talk about it almost like I'm telling it from someone else's perspective. I've had to learn to do that because had I not, I would lack the ability to hold back the tears every time someone asked me how it was going or how I was doing. With this cycle, the emotions have been ripped from their safe little box in the back of my mind and are now front and center consuming my every thought. I feel it might help me to express these suppressed feelings.

Every time I sign onto Facebook I am bombarded with pictures and status updates of or about pregnancies and children. Everywhere I go and anything I do I'm faced with the reality of what I don't have. I have a great support team, but I can't help but feel so alone. Our house is so empty. I long for the day that I have a messy house filled with toys and the laughter of a child. I look forward to the sleepless nights because they will be filled with the privilege of caring for my tiny miracle. The joy that only a precious child can bring is something that feels so unattainable. If only I could have the bliss of being called Mommy. I love my husband and my furbabies very deeply but I still feel incomplete. There is an awful ache of emptiness in my heart that only a child can fill.

Right now, I'm absolutely petrified that this procedure didn't work. Everyone always tells me to think positive and hang in there, but it's impossible. When everything you've ever wanted is hanging in the balance, you can't always be positive. The fact of the matter is, there is a good chance it won't work and I have to accept that reality. People tell me not to think about it, but that's impossible too. When everything you've ever wanted is hanging in the balance, you can't just not think about it. Especially when there are pregnant women and babies in every corner. Tell me how does anyone expect me to not think about it? People are quick to offer the well meaning but ridiculous advice of "try to relax." Guess what? That's just as impossible. When everything you've ever wanted is hanging in the balance, you can't just relax. And the hardest one of all is "just trust God." This is where I've been struggling lately. I know that God has a bigger plan for my life than I could ever imagine, and my human eyes are incapable of comprehending the bigger picture. That being said, I have a hard time understanding why God will allow child molesters, drug addicts or those who have had multiple abortions to continue to conceive so easily. Yes, I do know that God has a bigger plan and I know that all of those children and people are a part of it. What I fail to understand is why I can't get pregnant. I don't understand how some people are able to have 19 children, but I'm not even blessed with one. It seems like it would be so simple for God to toss one my way. Sometimes I just want to yell "HEY GOD, DID YOU FORGET US?" Sometimes I do feel abandoned. I've been through the guilt, "what did I do to deserve this?" I've been through it all. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are things I deal with on a daily basis. If you don't recognize those, they are the five stages of grief and I navigate through them each and everyday. I have good days and I have bad days. As for today, I'm terrified, terrified that this isn't going to work. Amazingly, every time I begin to doubt I hear God's almighty voice subtlety telling me "Just trust Me Courtnee, have faith." And so I do, I continue to have faith and trust that God will bless us in His way and in His perfect time. That doesn't mean it's easy, waiting never is but I know my God and I know that He loves me.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 
--Jeremiah 29:11

When I find myself in this dark place, I have to hang onto this verse. Please continue to pray for us, now more than ever.

The Two Week Wait Begins

Well, I had my first IUI today. We had a count of 53.3 million post wash which is great! It's an interesting way to make a baby but hopefully that's exactly what happened. I find it neat that we're so aware of everything going on with my body, hopefully resulting in a very healthy pregnancy and baby. I'll know the exact day we conceived and so much more than most women ever do. I even got to see my little follicle on the ultrasound. In my mind, I was pregnant right then. With all of these factors combined, we seem to have a pretty good chance. I pray that this is all it takes for us because I'm emotionally exhausted. At this point I just feel like a giant pin cushion. As far as the procedure itself, it was a lot like a pap smear although there was quite a bit more pressure and discomfort involved. Next Friday, I'll return for blood work to determine my progesterone level. If it is low, then I will be put on progesterone suppositories to support any resulting pregnancy and prevent miscarriage. If the level looks good, we'll do nothing and continue to wait. Please keep your fingers crossed and continue to pray for us.

The Good News Continues

Well, CD 12 has finally arrived. I went to the RE first thing this morning and according to my ultrasound, I have one mature follicle measuring at 23mm on my left ovary. Follicles are considered good and mature anywhere from 18-26mm according to my RE, so my 23mm is about perfect. My endometrium measured at a healthy 11.5mm. As I had already suspected, there is no activity on my right ovary.

At 10 o'clock tonight I have to be injected with the hCG trigger shot to make me ovulate in correlation with my IUI. It is scheduled for Friday morning.

In other words, GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!! :D