Emotional Turmoil

I hate to be a chronic complainer but if there is anywhere I can get away with it, it's here. This past weekend has been particularly hard for me. I think the fact that my ivf failed and I'm actually doing this all over again has finally hit me. When it failed, I forced myself to suck it up and move on to cycle #2. Everyone was shocked in the way I picked up and moved on, choosing to be happy and in a good mood. I thought that would be the best way to handle it, considering moping around won't change anything. I didn't want people to worry about me. I wanted them to know that I was okay, to view me as a strong woman who could handle it. I can handle it, but it still hurts and I should have allowed myself to feel that. It cut deep, I really expected to be pregnant right now, not shooting up everyday again. I'm realizing now that I had so much of myself tied up in that cycle. Faking a smile got me through temporarily and let me pass up on all the pity, but I should have known at some point the pain would rip through.

I'm not sure if it's the Lupron injections stirring up my hormones or if it's the Christmas cheer kickoff. Perhaps it's a combination. All I know is I'm sick of doing the holidays childless. I'm tired of every Christmas thinking "oh this will definitely be the last one I have to endure childless." Never does my home feel emptier than during Christmas time. I have no desire to decorate or even put up a Christmas tree. What's the point really? I feel obligated to do it though, because I don't want to have to explain to people why I chose not to. I don't want the pity party or the questions. I don't want to be viewed as a whiner. I never thought anything would be so effective at draining me of my Christmas spirit. I hate being this way, but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. I do have my better days of course, but I'm stuck in a funk right now. I just want to cry. I've been crying. I'm sure this sounds pathetic and I know everyone is dealing with something, but I'm just so exhausted. I'm so over infertility. I'm ready for January. January means a fresh start, a new year, a better year... I hope.