Core Fears

I began doing my morning Lupron injections yesterday. Yesterday's was pretty bad. It was unusually painful for a little subcutaneous injection and took two tries to get it to puncture my skin. Luckily, today's was much better. It must have been a fluke, thank goodness, because I was scared! As far as side effects go, I have been unusually sleepy and not wanting to do much of anything. I've also had a migraine since yesterday which isn't an uncommon thing for me. Here is a picture.

I still don't think it's really set in that it's actually come to this and I'm really having to do IVF. I sort of just feel like I'm going through all the motions. I'm just taking it one day and one step at a time. Hopefully this is what will work for us because I'm barely hanging on to the end of a very thin thread. It's been a loooooooong, long time to wait for a child. Probably a lot longer than most of you realize.

It's finally come to the last resort. Every hope and dream I've ever had is tied up in this cycle. What will I do with the rest of my life if I can't have a child to share it with?.... What if I never feel the kicks of a God-given angel growing inside me, never have that little fear of being solely responsible for another human being, never get to hear my baby's heartbeat for the first time, never get to experience the beautiful moment of seeing my baby's face on the ultrasound machine, never know what it feels like to experience all the joys of pregnancy, never experience that magical moment when my newborn is placed in my arms for the first time, and witnessing my husband's nervousness the first time he/she is placed in his, never know what it's like to breastfeed and bond, never know how it feels to decorate a nursery, or bring my baby home for the first time, never really join in the conversations between mothers in a form other than the giant elephant in the room, never have someone to watch grow up, snuggle with, teach to walk and talk, take trick-or-treating, open gifts on Christmas morning, revolve all the holidays around, start Kindergarten... who's booboos will I kiss? I may never watch my baby graduate high school, get married, I may never become a grandmother. I would deprive my husband of these things as well. These are my core fears. This world is centered around children and families and I'm waiting for my turn. My chance at motherhood, my chance at knowing what it feels to be a part of the most miraculous thing on this earth. It's terrifying.