My Testimony

For months I have felt it on my heart to share my testimony. I was stuck wondering when and in what way would be best to do so. I have waited for a big opportunity to arise. Suddenly, God made something very apparent. Every single day is a big opportunity to share my testimony. What is a social network or a blog if it isn't a place to share something of utmost importance?

God provided me with the opportunity to speak with and help more women in the past couple of months than I could have imagined. He made our paths cross and opened opportunities for conversation. In our journey to have our son, I chose to be very open about our experiences. I stated that if I could help one woman, that would make it worthwhile.

Little did I know how God was using my heartache and that one day I would find myself thanking Him for that very struggle. I know, it's easy for me to say now, now that I have a child... But what if I told you that I learned how to be grateful for my infertility before my sweet angel was conceived? What if I told you how God used this to teach me how to be grateful and have peace in all circumstances? That's exactly what I'm going to do.

I grew up in a wonderful loving home. I honestly never struggled much with anything other than petty first world problems during my childhood or teenage years. When I was 18 years old, I got the news and it hit me like a sack of bricks. I had always had what seemed to be hormonal issues, but never thought I would have difficulty becoming a mother. After all, being a mom was my life's goal. "Real life" began right then and there in that doctors office. I became consumed with learning all I could about pregnancy and conception. Yes, I was young but when I found out I may not be able to have a child my life and priorities changed.

I had never struggled with anything to this extent before. Anything in the past I had wanted, I could achieve if I put in enough effort. This was out of my control and in God's hands alone. It wasn't long after that I became very bitter. I didn't know how to handle disappointment. I hadn't ever had to rely on my faith and God alone before. What had I done to deserve this? Why me? I had never given it all to God before. Bitterness ate away at the core of my being for years. I was bitter toward God, bitter with my fiancé for not being bitter, bitter toward anybody who was pregnant, bitter toward anyone who made any wrong comment, walked the wrong way, talked the wrong way or looked at me the wrong way. I was angry.

I distinctly remember a wonderful lady who shall remain nameless telling me that one day I would find "peace" regardless of whether or not I became a mother. I could not fathom that thought. I was too consumed with bitterness to allow myself to ponder the idea of peace. Instead, I responded with negativity trying to get her to join in with me on complaints so many of us infertiles have. She did not. This conversation was the beginning of a turning point in my life.

My sister became pregnant with my nephew after struggling herself. I was so thrilled at the idea of becoming an aunt, but so heartbroken of the thought that I still was not a mother. I was also so lost as to why MY battle was continuing on. This was the first time I consciously made the decision to not be bitter. I prayed that God would help my attitude. I couldn't handle the mere thought of looking at my sister and nephew as he grew and not having a relationship with him. I chose to be grateful and loving as I was consumed with self-pity.

This was another turning point in my life. I learned that I had control over my emotions. I found that through prayer God would ease my pain.

Shortly thereafter, I finally conceived via our second IVF only to end up miscarrying. There was nowhere for me to fall but into God's arms. I collapsed on my bathroom floor and cried out to Him. I admitted my anger and prayed that he would help me see things from a new perspective. I begged that if He would not change His plans that He would change my plans. I prayed for the peace that I couldn't comprehend in that moment. Then I got up.

When I picked myself up off that floor I realized something. It wasn't about me. All this time all I cared about was my desires. I was making motherhood my idol. So many people told me I deserved to be a mom more than anyone they knew. I realized that was a lie. None of us deserve to be mothers. Sure, by worldly standards, yes I deserved to be a mom. By God's standards I would never stack up. Thank God for his grace.

I continued praying and growing. When the reality of a biological child seemed to be fading, I prayed more. I prayed that if God had other plans for my life that He would continue to grant me peace and acceptance of His plan. I cannot explain the miracles that He performed within my soul, but slowly and surely I was transforming. After our third IVF failed, I knew it was time to step out in faith.

I felt it so heavy on my heart to pursue adoption. I prayed that God would open my husband's heart and lead us on the right path. Although this wasn't the route I originally thought I would take to have my first child, I was excited and very open to the plan God had laid out for us.

I knew if all 3 of my IVF cycles didn't work, my frozen embryo transfer wouldn't either. In the very beginning, I knew the only way I was comfortable with proceeding with IVF is if all of our embryos received a chance to live. So even though I knew the odds were against us and these final 2 frozen embryos wouldn't make it since even the fresh embryos from the same cycle didn't result in pregnancy, I proceeded anyway with adoption in the forefront of my heart and mind.

We drove to Dallas for our final embryo transfer. The very next morning was our adoption orientation in Houston. Everything went so well and we were certain that the Lord put us on the right path toward adoption. God answered all of my prayers, all I had to do was open my heart to His plan. My heart was so full with the thought of adopting a miracle baby in what would most likely be less than a years time.

Three days later I found out I was pregnant...................

Speechless. Praise God! Because of my experience, I learned how to trust The Lord wholeheartedly and undoubtedly. I feel set apart and blessed in such a unique way that I feel many people could never comprehend. It is my hope and prayer that I can share this blessing with as many people as possible. God used my infertility in the most amazing way. Since then, I have been faced with many challenges, none of which I have questioned Him. I know He is working things out in His time and for His greater plan. I don't have to understand it, I don't even want to understand it. I just want to sit back and continue to be amazed at the work He does. Because of my infertility, I am a better Mom. My son gets a mom that is so strong in her faith that nothing can shatter us. My son gets a Mom that is thankful for every second she gets with him. My son benefitted from my struggles in having him. I benefitted from my struggles in having him. Everyone I come into contact with benefits from my infertility whether they know it or not. I am a better person. I feel His love pouring out of my soul. I want to touch as many people as I can. I am burning to share His love, His true, unexplainable love and grace. His forgiveness for all. His acceptance. He is so misunderstood. God is good, ALL the time. I am so blessed to understand the meaning of that phrase.